Chateaux de l'aware

2012-01-19T22:09:00.000-08:00

Climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well, the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I call myself an Ostrich? I haven't buried my head. But I am buried.

I have built this little fortress and I am proud of the walls I have put up. I am safe from desert outside bereft of nourishing love. A river that dried out when God decided to look away.

Once in a while a man comes from outside and tries to communicate with me. I speak to him but never let him in. Let me tell you why.

A long time ago, many years after I gained my consciousness, I hadn't built walls yet. I then realized I had no protection. I was attacked many times and I quickly realized that building walls were imperative.

For many years, nobody was allowed inside. Till I was attacked by a sand storm that made me realize how vulnerable I was and how much I needed friends. Friends who could have helped me during the sand storm.

For 3 years after, I made temporary walls. Allowed people to enter the walls but never to destroy what was left of the old fort.

And one day, unexpectedly, a man appeared on the horizon. Dust swirled around him - I should have seen the signs. He was a nice man, a caring man. With him I never needed walls again, because I was safe with him. But alas, as most men are prone to be, he decided to leave for another oasis. An oasis where he could keep his family safe from Dust storms, leaving me fend for myself.

I did not bother to rebuild my walls. I let the sun burn me, and the rain soak me. The cold wins battered me and sand storms blinded me. And then he returned.

He had come back because he wasn't sure. His goal was still to get to the next oasis to build a better life for his family, but I could see he missed me. I spent more time with him, craving his protection, knowing well he could just be an illusion in my heat stroked mind.

And then he left. As suddenly as he had come back, he had left. I sat and watched the horizon hoping he'd come back. Waited in the sun. Ready to believe even in mirages and miracles.

I sat in the ruins of the little fort as I admitted defeat. I decided to build my walls again, so that no man, no human being could enter it. Throw rocks they might, throw bricks they might, but they cannot enter my fortress. I spent hours and hours digging out clay and making bricks. I collected smooth rocks for the foundation. Made a roof with palm leaves and palm fronds.

My little igloo like fort is now complete. I sit here and think of him. Of how safe I felt then as I go about my day's work. I know someone else will appear on the horizon some day, but I am not sure I will have the strength to let him in.

2012-01-10T23:42:00.000-08:00

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

So I am 28 today. The big 28. 28 and single. Wow. Just yesterday I was 24 and fighting an early marriage. Just this morning I was 26 and broke an engagement because I thought I was in love with someone else. Just last year I was 18 and starting college.

Time just passes by and I am sad to report to the mothership that it just doesn't get easier. The silver lining is that nobody in office knows it's my birthday. I can't stand the fakes and the insecure with their obligation to wish me for my birthday. Man I hate work, the people are so boring and more messed up - even more than me! Petty, small-minded, immature, you know.. the usual. Never thought I'd reach that valley.

Some are cool, but then I don't think I see a long term working relationship with any of them. Just 8 months more and it's a new role. Time just doesn't pass by fast enough.

But I said good bye to someone I love - my best friend for the past 3 years, my support and my lifeline. I hope he gets a fat cow for a wife, would make my life worth living. Well what do you know, I seem to have a passive-aggressive, sadistic streak in me. Must be the German Classes.

So it's all good. And it's all bad. But then that's life. It's all bittersweet and dark - just like my favorite chocolate...

2011-11-09T08:52:00.000-08:00

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me....

I have fallen for Mr. scrawny. It may just be the rum in me, but I can recognize the signs. I am fighting him. He doesn't even know I exist. I spoke to him yesterday and I was so happy.

Isn't that unfair. God should make you love only the man who wants you. Or vice versa. I have no idea why I like him. He's this scrawny, pansy dude - not the rocker, biker guys I fall for. But something bout him gets me tongue tied. Which is weird cos I've always been the one in control in a relationship.

Damn his white ass.

He's just probably my redemption. All the demons that haunt me may just exorcised by his presence in my life.

Oh god. Why does love have to be so tough?

I know I want him. Isn't it just like me to want the impossible?

2011-10-31T09:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, there is that one thing... That one thing that makes you stop and say, what if?

But what if not?

I am safer. I am closer to being fully healed and whole. But what if...

I like him. My heart is, like in one of those Mickey Mouse cartoons, jumping out of the body and hitting me with a wooden hammer, and saying - babe, are you kidding me? Still? Again?

I can't help it. I have to know. He's as dumb as a doorknob (I think, on first impression). My jokes fly over his head - if you could stain it with dye, you would see a red aura around his head. Yeah those are my jokes.

He's cute. Very cute, very creative, a bit too thin for me (I like meat on my man), a little too young looking for me (though he is I think 2 years older than me)...

Oh god, what am I doing? I've taken enough risks. If he wants me, he knows where to find me.

2011-10-17T10:22:00.000-07:00

My Allu Arjun is driving me nuts!

Mr. Allu Arjun is this cute guy in my gym. There are two guys I have been "keeping an eye on" -One is Allu Arjun and second is Light eyes mallu-man (who btw I have lost interest in).

But oh Allu Arjun. I shamelessly ogled at him today. So elusive....

Anyway, I have no idea why I have a thing for slim guys. I mean I like a medium to medium rare beefy guy, but lately I am attracted to thin guys. You know, the type that wears normal trousers but looks like they are trying to wear over sized jeans to look cool.

But oh Allu Arjun. Oh btw - Allu Arjun is the name I give to cute telegu guys. I'm not sure this guy is telegu, but he sure looks it.

When he walked into the gym today... my heart stopped. It was like a nice aneurysm. I pulled down my T-shirt to cover my large a$$, standing on my toes to get a glimpse of the cutie pie.

But... Oh Allu Arjun!

2011-09-15T02:52:00.000-07:00

I think my destiny or fate is constipated.

No matter how hard I try, it so difficult to be happy. I mean I am happy right now, in this moment. But there is something that makes me sad too. I think its the stress at work which is really getting to me.

I've observed that everything in my life has come to me in the most difficult manner. Its at that point where your're praying to god that the poop drops quickly or kill you to relieve you from the stomach pain (nope I haven't had this experience but I am thinking that's how people feel). Like getting a job - I got thrown out of the recruitment process because I said no to two offers (the truth is the professor was trying to push me to take any offer so that his favorite could get the best job). I got an awesome job and the relief was... it can't be described.

I was just sitting at my desk, with multiple pages, multiple documents and multiple folders open on my laptop and I realized - Shit (pun unintended) my karma is to have everything in life in a difficult manner. Be it peace of mind, or just achieving you developmental milestones.

But know what? That's not destiny's Isabgol. It doesn't get me anywhere.

2011-08-07T01:43:00.000-07:00

indigoranges, I kill you! Why you little...!

The Adoration of Tia

As Tia spun across the wooden floor in a graceful pirouette, her shawl flying across her shoulders onto the table occupied by the dapper Mr. Elonzo and his lovely wife, she couldn’t help but think about the sequence of events that had brought her to this tango club in this part of the world, and the dazzling dynamo of a man she was trying to match moves with. Though an ardent fan of popcorn romance in all its celluloid and print avatars, she had never expected to find a man as true to the image created by the novels as this one, now holding her by the waist.

Lars Baldez Valderrama as all that Barbara Cartland promised her readers, and then some more. He stood six foot something in his spit shiny tango shoes, with jet black hair that fell over his shoulders and rebelled against any attempts to be subdued. His long legs were sheathed in shiny black trousers, complemented by a wine red dinner jacket over a midnight blue shirt.

Long story short, to Tia’s moonstruck eyes, he was Antonia Banderas and Javier Bardem rolled in one, with the dance floor moves of an earlier Hrithik. And as of this moment, the world didn’t matter to her. Not the fact that she was supposed to be on a flight to Mumbai in three hours. Nor that she had a family arranged fiancée waiting for her back in Bangalore.

But I digress. Let’s go back to when Tia met Lars.

Born 27 winters ago, proudly capriconian Tia Nair considered herself a true-blue Bangalorean. Which in her oft repeated words meant having being alive in the garden city when it actually had gardens to speak about, and when you have actually seen Indiranagar grow from a distant outpost of the city to become the ‘heart’ of the city. After a long struggle with assorted men that gave her reason to believe that her love life wasn’t even worthy of an art-flick made by a depressed Bengali director, she decided to give the reins to her marital future to her parents. Somewhere between these events, she found herself working for a global IT consulting giant with a bunch of marketing types who made her previous team look like Argentinian soccer players on coke in the world cup finals. To say the new work floor made her feel upbeat and joyous was akin to calling Aishwarya Rai the saving grace of Pink Panther 2.

Maybe that’s why when her manager Lisa invited her to come to Buenos Aires to handle the annual seller event for South America, Tia didn’t waste time before saying yes. Not one to mince or waste words, our Tia. In fact, she has been known to scare burly auto drivers into meekness with a mere look aided by a single utterance of a word that I haven’t been privy to.

Fates destined Tia to get engaged before she left India. Her parents wanted her to stay back and use the time to get to know Naresh, an automobile engineer with BMW, who though based in Bangalore for the time being, had plans of settling down in Frankfurt after marriage. Though Naresh did fulfill almost all the criteria that Tia had for the father of her kids, she didn’t want to give up on this one chance to see a part of the world on her own. The first Sunday after the engagement saw Tia Nair at Mumbai’s international terminal, using the Lonely Planet guide on Buenos Aires as a decoy to help her ogle better at the Gerard Butler look-alike across the aisle from her in the waiting lounge. Or maybe it was Gerard himself. You never know these days. Tia will have her fun.

By Indigorange

2011-05-26T21:28:00.001-07:00

I admit: I am tired of beating myself up. I have million reasons to beat myself up, but I can't seem to find even one to pat my own back. If there is ever a wicked witch, it's me. And if there is a "Fairy Godmother" (man I haven't used that term since I was 8), then that's me too.

I have just realized that all good and bad feelings and emotion come from within me. If I am smart and strong I can fight the negative effects of what people say and don't say. Having said that, I'd also like to produce a pecan pie by blinking twice - it's easier said than done!

I was sitting and writing out a story about how the Big Blue won something in somewhere and I have been at it in a very robotic fashion. I wanna just take off and go home, but I need to finish two stories. Maybe I'll take off after that, I am in no mood to work. And when I am in no mood to work, I just don't do a good job of work.

2011-05-04T21:16:00.000-07:00

Is there anything called Facebook Fatigue?
If there is, then I am facing it.

It's like watching porn 24/7 and wondering if your body is as great as the girl's or your husbands "ahem" is as big as the guy's or why you don't do it the way they do, etc

It's networking yes, but it is also voyeuristic. Oh, I am not against social media, considering I am from the social media generation and considering I am the Yoda of Social Media. I have done it all, fought all the battles, used the power and now I am tired of it. Its time to retire my light sabre.

I am so tired of opening the page and seeing my friend's kids/pregnancy/baby's pictures or other friends' wedding pictures. Why doesn't anyone put a dead body's picture? Or maybe of a divorce? See, that more fun.

But who am I to speak? I'm just another status update in my friends' home page.

2011-03-21T23:59:00.000-07:00

Ever seen one of those vans that carry the goats to slaughter house?

I just rode in one. Okay now that's over simplifying it I guess. I work in a large technology park called Manyata. Considering most techies have no time to walk one kilometer in the hot sun, we are herded into a "shuttle" or a mini van that has only 4 seats and ample space for people to stand. So at 11 am, you are packed into a colorful (from the outside) van where we are you are made to travel 1 - 2 kms standing like one of those bodies in a morgue a-la Coma.

The IT or Technology revolution was supposed to be free from a lot of the old methods of working. But I see more and more resemblance to a working environment similar to the industrial revolution.
Factories? IOPs.
Sweat shops? IOPs and outsourcing divisions of large MNCs.

Mister Dickens, we are ready for your second comming.

2011-03-09T08:16:00.000-08:00

Three and a half years... three and a half years!

And here I am, ready to leave.

It's been crazy - my first day was my first day of my career and first day in a beeeg bad corporate. It's where all my peeps are. You know, I just realized - my team members are like my family. We fight when we are together, but when we are away we miss each other like crazy.

Three and a half years. Things have moved ahead yet they have stood still. I have grown in my career, I have done so much here, I have had three heartbreaks... but my parents are still looking for a guy for me, I still have the same friends, I still am taking risks.

2011-03-06T01:08:00.000-08:00

Why is it that:
1. NRI in mallu terms means the guy is from Middle East
2. The guy may look like a prick, but his family wants a slim, beautiful girl who is a US citizen!
3. Increasing no of Nair men want a housewife or want to marry woman who isn't working
4. Mallu men (esp Nair) are such insensitive, money crazy, mommy apronstring tied, immature, insecure, MCP's?

2011-02-23T09:35:00.000-08:00

I learned very early in life that you could be as dumb as a door knob, but as long as you got your mani-pedi's and shoppping on time, you could get to places in life.
Unfortunately, that isn't as easy as it might sound. For one you need to be loaded (with cash I mean). An average parolour treatment (just a mani-pedi) in an average salon costs you an easy 400 bucks. An average top costs you 500 and an unbranded slim fit jeans costs you 900. Let's say you have the finances figured out, what about the time? A good mani-pedi takes away an easy 30 - 15 minutes of your life. And picking clothes? It takes me 1 hour to pick out a decent kurta.
So what do you compromise on?
My colleague (smart woman that) uses another method to get places. She's a scrappy homemaker who has the fingers of a re-born chef. She cooks to get to places. And I must add she does a good job of it. She bakes a cake for everyone's birthday, brings the boss' favorite dish for lunch...
Tis agreed then - they way to a man (/woman's) heart is through the stomach.

2011-02-19T01:01:00.000-08:00

Why are Bangaloreans so inconsiderate? We were just coming back from CMH Hospital and a guy on a little moped rams into our car from behind. My brother got down and screamed at the guy. He looks at my brother and shrugs and says - so what can I do? You stopped the car.
And this explains why people don't want to buy a nice car in Bangalore. You'd rather buy an SUV so that an auto guy wouldn't dare swerve in front of you for the fear of ending up under the SUV or a two wheeler - there isn't enough surface area to scratch.
It isn't just lack of consideration and empathy, it is also the amount of anger out there. For example, my friends (or even I), when we are away from our work, we are fun. We are nice to each other, we have time for each other and we actually crack jokes and laugh or not fight.
That is so sad. When we stop being angry and stressed out, is when we actually have time to be romantic, happy, or any other positive emotion.
I could give enough advice on how we should balance life, how we should be peaceful in our "core" and "channelize the positive energy". But who are we kidding? As a nation, we are overstressed, underpaid, and a tired offshore nation.

2011-02-07T09:19:00.000-08:00

I watched Raaz Part 2 and I enjoyed it! Not because it was a good movie, but it was like playing one of those spot the difference sunday puzzle.
It is such a rip-off of the movie Stigmata (a bloody good movie to watch, btw). The director was so desperate to create another movie just like stigmata, but he was too scared to imitate the original english movie frame by frame. So the original is like a Lladro Ganesha while Raaz is like a misshapen clay version of it.
I do understand the director has to make it India-relevant, making use of fake sadhus and a weird father-son relationship, but it just spoils the movie and dissapoints you completely.
I believe the Raaz to watching this movie is to... not watch it!

2011-01-31T23:18:00.000-08:00

I am jealous. I admit! I am green. I am short. I am not a frog or a martian... but I would like to look like the girl in Mars Attacks, the one that tries to seduce Martin Short.
I am unable to go to the gym for various reasons starting from work and ending with health issues. And I hate it. I love working out in the evenings - it gets me completely relaxed.
My friend goes to the gym everyday, while I am sitting on my much burgeoning ass, on the sidelines for my health issues to resolve. I hate it!
Hi, I am Tia and I am addicted to exercise.

2011-01-26T04:00:00.000-08:00

MEPHASTOPHILIS: Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed
In one self-place;
for where we are is hell,
And where hell is, there must we ever be

I must admit, I echo Mephastophilis thoughts. Christopher Marlowe probably intended to teach his human audience that where we are is where hell and heaven is. It is not a special place in the clouds or in the molten rock. We may be angels, devils or humans but we have more than half responsibilities in making the circumstances like hell or heaven.

Today I went to my uncles place. They have redone the place after my grandmother's passing. And I fell in love with my cousin's room. My cousin is one year younger than me and she had something I have always wanted - a room of her own and a full length mirror! And oh, the bathroom was to die for - chcolate brown tiles and a kohler shower system.
And I wished I had one of my own, real bad. I mean I have a room of my own.. in a PG. It has an oval mirror that is straight off the sets of The Ring.
My only hope of having my own room is when I get married. Sadly I would still have to share it with my husband!

And then I met an Angel. The cutest piece of baby candy. And her name is Dia (Dia - Tia, cute huh?). She is 4 months old and is my friend's daughter.
Suddenly, I had put a maxima and minima to my happiness and my idea of heaven. Dia was my minima and a lovely home with all that I want in terms of luxury, money, etc was my maxima. Dia was the minimum I could achieve. She represents fulfillment as a woman (yes me) - husband, house and progeny.

I have made a hell in my mind, allowing my past demons to continue haunting me. It's not just my past, it is also my present circumstance and feeling of powerlessness. Reminds me of a picture I saw. My colleague is a staunch Aiyangar - the type that survives on McDonalds french fries in Malibu Beach. He has a picture on his desk of a sadhu/saint/brahmin in the sea praying to Lord Krishna - signifying, when all else fails just pray.

2011-01-23T23:14:00.001-08:00

A pair of spectacles might look cheap but it is one of those things you took for granted and now costs a bomb.
I have been wearing glasses since I was in the 7th/8th Std and back then the choices were simple and frames costed just 150 bucks. In 12- 13 years it has grown to more than 10 times that rate. The cheapest I saw made me look like the bee-girl from the Blind Melon's No Rain video.
It's not just the frames that have become expensive - it's also the glass in the spectacles. Each glass costs nothing short of 450 bucks. And the variety.. dear lord, it will make your head spin. You have tinted ones, anti-radiation coating, anti-scratch coating, ant-glare coating... in the end, the coating is as thick as the glass itself.
Yesterday, I went to Titan Eye plus to upgrade my good old Anglo-American half rimmed glasses to a cool trendy one. And I was disappointed. For all the advertising blitz and the choice displayed in the website and I came out empty handed. The choice was limited and none of them fit my tiny face.
Wake up! Different people have different face shapes and sizes and it's not a one size fits all category anymore. Also, the "corporate" line of Titan Eye plus was the most infantile collection I saw. I expected a classy line and I got a frame with orange spots on the side!
I have given up on finding a good not too expensive pair of frames. My emancipation from this search could come from Anglo-American which I will check out this weekend.
P.s: I liked the collection at GKB, but they were very expensive and I found one that was my size.

2011-01-20T05:08:00.000-08:00

I love zoning out. I think its the coolest feature about me which of course you wouldn't find in my resume.
For Instance I zone out before my birthday, after my brithday, during the "you're getting older and you are still single" sit-down speech, or the "if you don't take time off your work and go to Kerala for wedddings you'll never get married" speech for that matter.
I'm pretty much zoned out for the whole weekend when I am at home. It's like an episode of lost in Time.
When I am zoned out, I have no emotions. The bad thing about this is that I am not happy when I am supposed to be happy. Of course, it's great that you have blacked out all the horrible things - fear, insecurity, sadness, etc. but all the fun things get blacked out too - happiness, expectation, love, care, etc. Meh - you win some and you lose some.
I regret only one thing that happened because of this zoning out. When my brother got me the earrings - I couldn't respond. I was just lost. I knew I had to be happy, I knew I was supposed to be my usual bubbly self, I knew I was supposed to smile... but I couldn't. And I feel bad about it because my brother was looking forward to seeing a smile from me.
I don't know whether this stems from distrust. See my brother is such a roller coaster. At one time he's absolutely mean and hurtful, and then at others he's so sweet and caring. So in some ways I was conditioned and had learnt that if something good had happened then I could expect something horrible to follow and probably just probably somewhere I was holding my breath, aprehensive, waiting for something horrible to happen - some mean statement to color my otherwise alright day.
But he is as he is. And that understanding and acceptance comes from a lot of maturity and experience of handling him.
I pretty much use that for everybody. My mentor in office, mister baingan, my boss, my colleagues, my friends, my love bug, my best friends. Once I stopped fighting the invisible battle of getting them to accept me as I am, I just realized that:
1. they really aren't bad people
2. they really didn't matter that much to me (my homies and my boos are still my strength.. esp Color King)
3. WTF was I doing with my life, spending time on things that didn't require that much time
And so my blog reader (man this more like a note to self!) it is now 6.55 pm and I have to write a script for the CEO in the next 30 mins and hence cannot conclude this post effectively. My appologies.

2011-01-19T08:12:00.000-08:00

All the years of eating Papa John's Pizzas and food from restaurants has now come back to bite me in the backside. Literally. I now, officially, look like a diamond cut.
To the uber-cool, Diamond cuts were the savory snacks you could get in Bangalore bakeries. They were pieces of sweet dough/salted dough cut in the shape of a diamond and deep fried.
I push, pull, wheeze, squat - and nothing. Maybe its too early to expect any drastic change, but hello God - how about a bit of hourglass shape to provide motivation?
But the most fun part of the whole experience is observing people. For instance we have a new guy who runs on the treadmill. And I kid you not, this man has a whole hearted way of running. How whole hearted you ask? Try as whole hearted as Phoebe in Friends or even Bugs Bunny when pursued by Yosemite Sam.
But what was worse were the events that unfolded today. I was as usual lost in thought as I was puffing away at the cross trainer when this guy walks up in his pseud0- "I am cool because I am weird" manner - his hair tied neatly in a pony tail and his lack of height, highlighted by his shorts and almost rocker dude black T. He looks around and realizes that all the treadmills are taken and starts doing stretches in a way that is not done and not recommended - he was literally crawling on the floor!
I was alternating between mortification and losing myself in my thoughts.
But the best part was when I was doing the lower ab crunch - I suddenly heard someone run helter skelter. Except it wasn't anyone running helter skelter, he was doing a phoebe.
And suddenly I was intrigued. Sure hes the only weird guy in the gym and I am intrigued. I seem to be the target of most loose cannons.
Which brings me to what I am most subjected to these days - Kids telling me about their relationship troubles. God, are you really teasing me?
I mean I am most cynical of love. I don't believe it. Yes I am occassionally romantic. But I am sorry I just don't believe in Love/Falling love/unconditional love and their synonyms.
Considering my dating history I am surprised I haven't started dating my own kind yet.
But back to the point, I don't believe in love. My instructor a 25 year old chappie, with stars in his eyes recounted his love story to me. I actually was praying for my mind to give my lips a cue on when to smile and when to coo and say "aaw how sweet". I believe I played my part convincingly. He wouldn't let go of me till he gave me a detailed plan of the next 10 years of his life including wife, kids, finance.. and... sorry the rest just dropped out of my head cos I wasn't listening.
I am not cupid. I resigned that post, paid my dues, and I'm on my way to emotional blur.

2010-12-26T22:04:00.000-08:00

As Sheila ki Jawani plays on the radio I am reminded of the Jawani I am losing. I hate year ends. because few days after the new year starts I grow a year older.
I know, I know, I say every year that the year sucks, but no year has sucked as much as this one.

Let's review shall we -
- I broke up with the man I love. My ex and I are "friends". We are such good friends that I remind him of his ex's bday, albeit grudgingly.
- My work just got boring. They gave me a "promotion" (read role change) and no raise
- Many half hearted attempts at matrimony
- Many half hearted attempts at job change
- Moved into a PG away from my family

Every time I think 2010 there is just one song that comes to my mind - Nirvana's On a Plain.

I shall let my fanciful imagination free and imagine a graveyard where all the old years are buried... and if such a graveyard exists I'd love to bury 2010 12 ft under.

So, a toast to 2011. Hope there is lesser bite and even lesser suck in the new year.

2010-11-25T21:53:00.000-08:00

I hear married men lament "the coolest women become the most ordinary women when they get married". Well, guess what... you guys don't become better after marriage either.
Before the wedding it's all about holding the door open, about speaking in a nice manner, etc. But after marriage:

2010-11-18T06:00:00.000-08:00

I used to be morally and socially (on behalf of the society) outraged when I used to hear about Live in relationships. Today I am not. From going "*Shocked* really? How could she" I now respond "Smart girl". Any relationship is hard work, even live-ins. When you are married you think - man I should have just had a live in with this guy, I could have walked away from this. And when you are in a live-in you think - I think we need to get married, there is no certainity in this. Live in relationships are not easy. There are two things that can go wrong - 1. Ego 2.Finance. I don't have to explain about Ego, but when a man earns more than the woman - oh there is hell to pay. The man tends to have this air about himself - hey I earn more than you, so I am better than you. That irks you, it's downhll from there, evern the smallest things irritates both of you, and then smoething small as not keeping the remote on the TV (that's the best place to keep it duh! Atleast it's better than keep it on the bed and sleeping on it.) can be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Have I become more modern or more cynical?

2010-07-29T09:07:00.000-07:00

...this moment, this is me at my most … masochistic.

Man, I wish everything in life was so.. visible. Half our demons are ones you cannot touch or configure. In Kill Bill she has a set of people she needs to fight. In life you don't get that option. You don't get the option to wear a yellow jumpsuit and sword-fight with visible enemies. The closest you can get is wear a banana costume and sword fight with metal school rulers.

But the point is this. Life doesn't give you clear and visible enemies. You have enemies that don't let you lead a nice quiet little life amounting to crawling up the woodwork and dying. These enemies range from heartbreak, confusion, hate, jealousy, disappointment. etc.

Jealousy doesn't exactly jump in front of your desk in a green suit and do a Samba when your best friend gets to go abroad and study. Nor does heartbreak wear a short skirt (short skirt?? wrong image! I mean a charcoal grey Armani suit with a ice blue tie tie.. a suit accentuating that sexy body...) I digress, nor does heartache stand in front of you and flirt when the man you loved actually tells you that he doesn't wanna marry you, despite making all those plans of how to talk to your brother about him. The last thing you feel is... you feel like you are in a video game and you want control back and shake the.. to his senses.

Which is why life is more difficult. We fight our battles with unseen ghosts because of our bloody higher order intelligence. This is also why you would never see a mentally ill orangutan.

2010-07-29T09:02:00.000-07:00

So I am back. After a long time. It feels all weird and new to be here, like walking into a new class when you are promoted.

Now why am I blogging. Therapy.

Let's see now, what could you have possibly missed out on:

- 1 heartbreak
- 1 crucial decision
- several counts of ET (emotional torture)
- several instances of feeling out of control and blue

But hey, they're still playing Castle re-runs on TV...

2010-07-02T01:28:00.000-07:00

He held her face in his hands and watched her cry.

They were struggling with their emotions... and their egos as they looked into each other's eyes.
This couldn't be it... it just couldn't be. He was the man she got a lava lamp imported, he was the man she washed dishes just to prove she wasn't a spoilt brat, he was the man she got a sunglasses cos he didn't have one, and then when he lost it, got him an expensive pair of slip-ons just because he was eyeing it. He was the one she picked out a pair of black and red New Balance cos she knew it would look good on him.

And he was the man who got her everything.

They tried didn't they? Yes, they did.

No. That's not enough. It's not enough trying when you don't make it work. She looked at him and said, her ego bruised, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you". He was shocked, he was wondering how he was going to ask her to marry him.

The whole world was the witness to what they felt. The love they shared made people ache for the same. And today... It had come to naught.

Or so she feared. She held her breath as she waited for his response.

"Me too" he said. She looked at him with her large, almond eyes. Did he just say yes? She couldn't believe it. Relief flooded her face and she just held him close.

"Reaaalllyy?" She asked in her usual squeaky tone meant for that word; a word she used to express her disbelief. He smiled with his eyes closed, "yes". "Reeeallly??" she asked again. He chuckled and said "yes baby really."

She was so happy.

"Wanna discuss it now?" he asked.
"Nope" she said. "Let's just get a coffee..."

2010-06-28T11:41:00.000-07:00

Excuse the cliche, but sometimes, to see the complete picture you need to step back.
Life is like a crappy rendition of modern art - a mix of reds, blues, greens, whites...

I think I am now concentrating on the black. I am so lost in the black, it hypnotizes me and scares me. I need to stop now. I need to not look at the black any more and concentrate on something else. I need to get on to the sidewalk.

I've been very unhappy the past month or so. Everytime I've gotten on to the rollercoaster I've held on to the railings. I now need to let go and enjoy the ride. It's difficult for me cos I am a control freak, but if I need to stay sane and handle all the changes in my life - I have to let go. Letting go doesn't mean losing something, it sometimes means gaining something - maybe a delayed insight.

Keeping faith in the one thing that has prevented me from dying for so long, the one thing that helped me find him when I asked for something else, the one thing that seems to give everything when I ask for it, and the one thing that gives me what I actually need and not what I perceive I need; I will move on.

I am now hands off everything. Whatever is meant to happen will only happen.. because this will too pass.

2010-05-10T02:48:00.000-07:00

I'm an ordinary guy
burning down the house

hold tight wait till the party's over
hold tight we're in for nasty weather
there has got to be a way
burning down the house

here's your ticket pack your back: time for jumpin' overboard
the transportations here
close enough but not too far, maybe you know where you are
fightin' fire with fire
- Tom Jones Feat Cardigan

I'm in a weird mood. I am acting like a wounded cat. I wanna cut my nose off to spite my face. Maybe have random sex just to get back at my ex. Maybe even have mindless sex with the guy me ex hates. Sounds so good!

Think about it, it's perfect!
No heartache, no emotions, no feelings.. just pure lust, and lots of revenge!

I always thought my first time would be with a man I love. My first time is gonna be for a man I love, but to take revenge!

Fighting fire with fire ;)

2010-05-06T03:21:00.000-07:00

And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.
Sylvia Plath

Self doubt is the worst thing you can have. I have lived with it for 26 years. It's the scariest thing. How do I describe it... Have you ever used a strong deo from a cannister? Remember the horrid chemicals that torture the lining of your nose? That is like self doubt.

I now wonder whether I am competent enough to work in the position I am in. As I was telling a colleague yesterday - I am the lowest in the food chain; I have/I am nothing to be arrogant about/get frustrated about.

And the Self doubt is just a cherry. I have frustrations and egos I need to deal with at home, in office and my own ego which is the most hard for me to handle.

I have a few false notions about myself. I think I am quite capable but maybe, just maybe I am wrong.

From today I am gonna lie low. Enjoy the one life that I have.

2010-04-30T18:12:00.000-07:00

Is love and relationship about pain and fear? Is marriage an extension of that?

I love these moments when I am with my boyfriend and I don't remember anything except the present - with just him and me. But we have our usual fights and our fights I admit are quite painful. In fact our very reality itself is in very painful circumstances. We can easily hurt each other.

And I keep wondering - is this all worth it?
I've never been the one to work hard in a relationship - I will admit. But with this one I wanted to... and I did.

And I wonder - is all this supposed to be this difficult?
Our daily fights take a toll on both of us - personally and professionally.

And everytime I see him.. I can't describe it. It's like all the pieces fall in place.

Be still, my beating heart.

2010-04-24T05:59:00.000-07:00

Today was my worst nightmare - I made a social faux pas...again!

See I went shopping today (that was the good part) and got meself some fine lingerie... the kind that would get my boyfriend weak in his knees. I have never EVER bought delicate lingerie. It's an unspoken no-no for single girls in any decent Nair family (which also explains why the two wine colored sets of lingerie I bought today are now hiding in my suitcase of unused clothes). It also got me giggling like a naughty school girl, cos this was the first time I was buying girly lingerie as opposed to missionary style straight non-laced bra.

And I got most of my work done - fixing my glasses, picking up deo and body cream, a new pair of skin fit jeans, yada, yada. After that we landed up at 13th floor which btw is closed in the afternoon (duh!) and went to a new retaurant called On the edge.

What followed is something I distinctly remember. I got drunk on two Long Island Iced teas, went to Cotton world and bumped into my second cousin and blabbed lord knows what! Oh god! See these are people connected to the extended and the extended extended family. Last thing I need is for people to talk about my drunken state. I have know idea what I bought from Cotton World, but after that embarrassing run in with my second cousin, I don't think it matters. I am just glad she didn't catch me with my bf - for two reasons 1. I know how they'll react to him 2. Another rumor. Problem is I don't know which is worse - caught drunk or caught with my bf.

I finally took an auto (driven by an absoulte whiner) in the dust storm and I realized that I needed to pee so bad. In fact nature's call was so loud, if I were a man, I'd have asked the driver to stop mid way and peed in an empty site. I literally ran home and to my worst luck my parents weren't home! Expecting my parents to be home - I had stuffed the delicates in my handbag, making my access to the house keys very difficult. I finally gave in and asked my neighbour whether I could use her bathroom!

Oh what a day...

Oh did I mention I was felt up by a hijra at the beginning of this journey?

2010-04-23T02:54:00.000-07:00

I just had the most refreshing nap in a long time! See, I am sitting in the most boring meeting on a customer's visit. And I was so sleepy I couldn't even focus my eyes on the projected presentation.

Finally, out of sheer motivation of save my reputation from being tainted and being renamed sleeping beauty (or ugly), I rushed to the ladies room, sat on the seat and took a power nap for ten mins.

Now I can actually keep my eyes open for the next one and half hours. Oh dear, another hour and half of a boring meeting! Somebody kill me before I try to use a powerpoint arrow to kill myself.

2010-04-22T10:39:00.000-07:00

I love Sex and the City. But I can't figure whether I am Samantha, Carrie, Charlotte or Miranda. Somehow, I seem to be a mix of all four of them - a writer like Carrie, a bit conservative like Charlotte, cynical like Miranda, and a bit unable to handle fidelity like Samantha.

And I guess any person is like that; no one has just one trait. Though most of the time we have one trait that actually leads the personality, we are a mix of many.

2010-04-22T03:17:00.000-07:00

My mom is like the Luftwaffe. Actually my mom is like Luftwaffe trying to sell an idea.

Let me explain: my mom’s been after my case ever since I turned 24 to get me married to a suitable mallu boy from a decent family, earning a decent salary and settled abroad… like millions of other mothers (And that is not a hyperbole!).

This morning, my mom did an unprecedented thing: she sent me a jeevansathi and Bharat matrimony message on my office id! And just when I thought it was stray bullets, I actually got an sms from her, with the solemn message: “Check your email. Pls do something abt it. if u ignore u may lose a good opportunity.” It sounded like one of those corny forwards with brightly colored flowers, puppies and rainbows.

I understand what she’s going through. I seem to be not interested in marriage and she has enough pressure to get me married to a good guy, so that she can sit with the rest of the mallu group and say: “My son-in-law and daughter are in Amrica. They buy juice in cans.” But there is a problem here: I am in love with a sweet, unsupportive guy. He is nothing like the man my mom wants. But I love him.

And every day I feel more like a potato in a pressure cooker

2010-04-20T08:21:00.000-07:00

Here's a clue for the theme of this post: Tina Turner has sung about it, Elvis has raved about it and even Metallica has hinted about it in Nothing Else Matters. It's hard on your knees according to Aerosmith, and Meatloaf would do anything for it (But he won't do that!). Yeah, I am talking about that phantom that's got everyone spend at least one third of their lives thinking about or searchin for - Love.

Now I am no one to comment on a sensitive topic called Love. Why sensitive? Cos women look for it in books titled "The Prodigal Prince's Seduction" and men pretend that they don't care about love when they secretly hide a copy of "The Prodigal Prince's Seduction" under the beds to read in the night. Now Love is also a sensitive topic because some people are die hard fans of this "feeling" while others are quite stoic about it.

Let me give you my take on this: I don't believe in Love. There was a time in my life I thought I did. I was starry eyed and believed that Love was something that bound people and religions together. Love doesnt exist. Its something we create so that we feel that we are a part of something bigger than just the society of ourselves. Our need to be accepted. Someone to watch over us - else we may never exist.

We do so many things to fall in love - we pray, we do black magic, we put mud packs on our face to attract someone to fall in love with, we wear loud perfumes, style our hair....
But Love is like water if I may. It's scarce, and it runs out of your hands quickly.
In this world it's not non-renweable energy, or water, or fuel that is scarce - it's Love.

2010-04-19T09:20:00.000-07:00

I have no choice but to love you
People to love are far and few
Don't call me up tonight
cos sue knows it's all alright
To be two seperate lives with no ties to bind

You and me,
Born free and wild
No castles to build
My companion, you shall remain
Behind your glass pane

It's all gone, I lament
Hypocrite I am, I expect
I am so glad, the torment is over
you blew our cover

Two lives unbound
Yeah, that's what we are
I will love no other
Because you are always too far

2010-04-19T04:09:00.000-07:00

What does it feel to fly? What is it to not feel a thing? To feel powerless but in a good way...
When you start out in life, you start with a list of things that you want and envision: this perfect house, with a perfect husband and perfect kids and a perfect life. And then you grow up and realize perfection is what you make of it.
See to me my bf is perfect. But I know his imperfections exist - he is shorter than my perfect, prefers speaking in hindi, is from a small town, is the simple mannine maga with simple tastes.
And today I know, my life is nothing like I envisioned it. For example: I don't even have a house, I don't have a bf/husband anything like imagined, no kids yet and definitely not a perfect life.
But somewhere, it's like sucking on the ice at the end of a peach iced tea: it leaves your tongue feeling numbed, but a good numb.
So when you are done what do you do? I have never been able to answer this question. I have always reached the last station and taken the next train back. But someday I know i'll go beyond the last station to the darkness beyond. Maybe there is another train waiting there to take me to a better place.
Right now I am more excited about knowing about the train beyond than the train back.

2010-04-16T08:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Lord,

Why exactly am I allowed to shop only in the clearance section? How is it that I somehow seem to end up only there?
Of course I have seen the good ones, but I am unable to get them. What sadistic pleasure do you get by torturing an underdog?
You know I can't be satisfied with clearance and you tease me by showing me the good stuff. And I can only afford clearance.
Why me? Is there an invisible target sign on my head that only you can see from up there?
What the hell does it take to get out of the clearance section - give me a sign! And not just the sign could you please pave the path with velvet please?

Rgds
Tia

2010-04-03T06:27:00.001-07:00

It remains to be seen. It remains to be seen whether my expectation of the moment will match the moment.

See my bf is in Germany. And I miss him like crazy. It's even worse because he doesn't get the time or the resources to call me. So we have these vague one off chats and I am so pissed off. And we missed our first Anniversary - he's got a lot of making up to do!

And now I know he's supposed to leave Deutschland by 15th but his tickets aren't even booked!

I am waitning for the moment when he'll be back home with me... but I wonder... Do I miss him because he's not around, or do I miss him because I actually love him? Will I actually be happy when he's back or take him for granted now that he's back and I can see him anytime I want (which isn't completely true of course, he's more busy than the Prince of Wales)?

Somehow, I think my ego would be assuaged if I knew that I was missing him because I was bored, and not because I am in love (I have this attitude about me that is well expressed by the tagline "I don't wait for men, men wait for me").

Ah who am I kidding? I love that man.

2010-03-17T20:42:00.000-07:00

Power is a very funny thing. I used to believe that love made the world go round (such an innocent time) and then I realized it was money that made the world go round. Now I Know that it is power (be it from money, force or anything else) that makes the world go round.

Let's take a closer to home (more like office) look. We have a official repoorting manager. But we also have an unofficial manager. One is the real boss, the one we report to according to HR and company policy, and the other is a phantom boss.
(let me make a personal official statement here: I don't give a rats a** who my boss is, as long they don't mess with my money inflow and my personal time).

Now the real boss cannot do without the phantom boss. And almost everyone can tell that he is the one with the real power while she is just like a nominal head. People can sniff power and how!

We have another team sitting with us. And initially they gave the NB a lot of importance (the whole corporate you scratch my back, I scratch your back thingy). When they sniffed out the real power, the real kryptonite and realized that the real pot of gold was actually in the smaller desk and not the bigger one, the no of coffee conversations and helpful links (metrics baby, metrics!)traffic increased marginally.

And who doesn't like attention? even the best man would giggle coyly at such levels of attention.

For me its all very amusing. See I dropped out of the rat race a long time ago. I have a man I am in love with and my world is complete. Of course I have personal aspirations, but this place is like a frog's well, and not the place for me to fight. I am biding my time.

Y'all ar gold digga ho's!

2010-03-14T11:08:00.000-07:00

I can sleep! I can sleep again!

Why the joy?
See for the past two weeks I haven't been able to sleep, or eat. I've been like a zombie.

And I am just getting out of that phase.
But how I am getting out of it is scaring me. I am getting dependent on a drug - a drug i've spent a year with. I believe our first anniversary is tomorrow.
I had a long communication with the drug today... and it felt like a piece of my life fell in place. of course, I started out trying to crush him because I still remembered and do remember our last decision.
Is there no way out of this standoff? We both are sticking to our guns and well I can only walk half the way considering the constraints I am facing.

If relationships are business deals then this is a bad one. Not because what we offer each other is not for mutual benefit but because we are both so stuck on our own contract terms without willing to be open to bargaining. Sadly what we offer to each other is also very tempting.

I wonder where this will end. For now I am happy I can sleep.
Damn it. I hope I can stop crying and blabbering crap in my sleep...

2010-03-10T09:27:00.000-08:00

I need a smoke. I think it was the nasty movie I just saw, that makes me feel this way. Some weird movie called Playing it by heart. Well its nice and all, I am just not at that point in life where I care a damn about souring relationships and cheating better halves.
I am actually lost. It's like I'm in a psychadelic haze minus the psychadelia. Yeah I've lost my 3D glasses (and no this isn't a subtle ad for Avataar OR LSD).

---

What is it about cute little music videos of triumphing love and movies of underdogs winning their childhood sweetheart back and marrying them that gets you all nostalgic? My only meaningful relationships have been when I was 21 and 25!

But I think its a magical time in your life. Full of hope and dreams. You're in a candy store and have no idea what to pick. And you even have the money and the time to pick!

Unless of course you are one of those lucky people who have a childhood or highschool sweetheart. "Oh I met him when we shared a Pickwick chocolate wafer".. or "I met him when I punched him for pulling my hair."

Man I miss those days. Just knowing that time isn't running out and that you have all the world to explore.

2010-03-02T07:53:00.000-08:00

I have lost my mojo.

Let me explain: I was reading my old blog, and I sat back and said "*beep*, I was good!".

I have lost something. Something deep inside of me that used to let me write, that used to say "*beep* ERP, I wanna write something creative".

My writing is so labored now. I know my creativity is at an all time low when I start telling a joke and have no idea where it is going. Or I have to rely on sexual innunedos to get a chuckle.

I hope to God, I haven't lost forever. I hope it's because I am just tired (See what I mean?? That sentence led off the weirdest thoughts).

Oh my God! My Squash patch is fully grown, I have to harvest it....

2010-02-10T04:09:00.000-08:00

I am quite a character.
You can write a book about me. I wouldn't be too different from on of those characters in the newly-bred yuppie lit, but you can mould me into a villain or a hero for the underdog.
See, due to certain interesting turn of events, I just realized I can't stay without gambling with my life. But once I do, I repent.
For example: I am with a spineless jellyfish. He's a lot like the Jellyfish from Spongebob Squarepants. He's very cute and has a good heart. Eight months ago I gambled and decided to spend sometime with him. He put his tentacles around me and well, I was caught!
But now, after all that, I have nothing to show for a productive relationship (I don't mean babies! I mean a wedding trouseau).
(Warning: Chemistry Fever) I feel like an Alchemist. I try and try to spin gold like an Indian Rumplestiltskin, but I end up with naught. Just dust.

2010-01-26T23:06:00.000-08:00

"I'm on a plain, I can't complain" - Nirvana

Well actually I can complain and I am gonna. Well so there go my Valentine's plans - I am knee deep in debts and emotionally drained.

I am what you call late latif. I arrived in life very late (if you call this arriving anywhere!). Everything happened late in my life: I developed boobs and had my period one year later than my peers. They started discussing bra styles much before I even know that bras came with clasps and not zips.

And then boyfriends. Well I had boyfriends off and on but they weren't exactly something I would count as a relationship... till I met him when I was 21. Never been the same ever since.

And jobs. My friends started taking recruiter jobs at the age of 18. I used to still ask mommy for money. And now I am in a job and its taking me nowhere (neither am I taking it anywhere).

I am unmarried (yes, still. At age 25. I will soon be relegated to the reject pile. Do drop by sometime.) and single.

I would think spending Valentine's alone watching paint peel off is the least of my problems right now. Well Madhuri Dixit can buy herself V-day gifts in Dil to Pagal Hain for two reasons: 1. The line of men who drool even if she made a 3 sec appearance for Karan Johar 2. She can afford it!!!

2010-01-22T05:53:00.000-08:00

Since I've been with him I've noticed the weirdest things. Things I have never done before. I mean, not school girl things like writing his name in your notebook, but things I thought I would never do. Like:

1. I am too narcissistic to keep my accounts passwords with anybody elses name. Except maybe mommy's. But I have actually used his name last month as a password.
2. He has this weird fascination with lights (all right pipe down, no more alien abduction jokes). We were once sitting and watching a movie off his external hard disc and he loves this hard disk cos it has an orange light! On an impulse I actually paid 3 grand and got him a Lava Lamp from UK (which btw I've been craving ever since I turned 14).
3. I hate doing housework. One of the reason I work hard is to be able to afford help when I get married. And one of things I look for in a man when I decide to marry, is whether he can afford a maidservant. Having said that I have actually been domesticated on few occassions and washed dishes at his place. (if my mom ever knew...)
4. I crave to have this cool life (brutal honesty people, brutal honesty) where I can travel, yada yada - you know the kinda life you see in cribs (well not exactly, but somewhere far from cribs but not mediocre, staid life). But I am actually ready to sacrifice that to have a staid, mediocre life full of bills - school fees, utility bills, medical bills, etc.

What is wrong with me????

2010-01-22T04:15:00.000-08:00

I have always wanted a.. something that would make my dreams come true. I spent many hours imagining it and thinking about it. Today I have a rock.

I am quite the sensitive sorts. Sometimes the smallest things get to me. And then these things that hurt me don't matter anymore. Because I have a rock. When I am with him I don't feel pain. I feel happy to be alive. But everyday he is with me for a very short while. I'd love to spend all eternity with him but I know that's not possible.

I've never had to tell him that I love him. He just knows. In fact he tells me he loves me. He says all the right things... he knows how to handle me.

I love you. This one's for you. You rock my world :)

2010-01-15T20:59:00.000-08:00

She lay next to him and rubbed her hand on his chest. Her head on his arm felt hot. His arms were cold. She rubbed his stomach and his chest to feel every part of him - his skin, his muscles, his ribs... She wanted to feel everything - every lash in his eyes, every wrinkle of his lips, every twitch of the nose and the mouth. It was always now or never. She only had the present with him and rarely a past. Almost always never a future. Her heart ached - the one she hoped he'd recognize someday. He was from the earth. His life comprised of events - tiny ones. Hers comprised of emotions, feelings, tastes, touch, and smells. He was rough... like pool stick chalk and she was... smooth like blue cheese, maybe even Lancashire.
It horrified her; Her fears. Every moment she was aware that she had very less time with him. She didn't believe in eternity.
She looked up at the ceiling and closed her eyes. She drifted back to that afternoon after her birthday. Her dad had carelessly thrown away the flowers he had given her. She raced down the stairs like a mad woman, a woman who had lost her arm.. or her leg and was busy trying to gain its functionality again. She saw the large bouquet of purple orchids near the security's room. Her heart sank. Reality hit her - their love would wilt like those almost dead flowers. His had already died. She picked up a bunch of the few flowers that seemed to struggle against its inevitable fate.
She dried them and preserved them. A memory for a transient love.

2010-01-15T04:49:00.000-08:00

sounds of piano soothes my veins
inflamed with pain
balm of cold gel
over scars that don't tell

child in me
cry till the fire burns
bright blue, brighter hue
cry till you can feel

Notes so low
the dogs purr in sleep
back bent and broke
moulded into a heap

2010-01-10T08:08:00.000-08:00

This is a very drunk post. Well I am not drunk, this post is. I am so drunk.. actually I am not drunk - i need two glasses of wine to get drunk, today I had only two. Well I am so inebriated (see i spelt that right!I can be a speeling be champion. I was being! Lol get it? Bee and being?) Anyway, so I am so whatever that I couldn't hget my leg off my bf's bike (he's a good brahmin boy he doesn't drink). And I am not sitting on my bed with no PJ's on. see I couldn't remmeber what I was wearing in the morning so I stood near my bed with my hands in the pocket trying to remember hwat I asm supposed to waer. It was like I was Sherlock Holems (Not robert downey jr... I admit he's very cute and all but I liked the guy that the istory challen used. Robert downey is like... House. Reminds me of House.)

Anyway, so I am turning 26 tommorow - joy to the world. I hate birthdays. Worth things
happed on my birthdays (why do I have kitpit soniye song running in my head? I always
thought it sounded like Uppit). So my birthday. It sucks. In 25 yeatrs I have achieved
nothins.I have just put on lots of weight (i feel like a hippo :( ).Lol, i feel like Dino the dinosaur actually LOl.

Oh F***. I was supposed to do some stupid crappy work for my boss. Maybe I should do it now.
Would be reaaally amusinf to read it tomrow - I might actually speak my mind. I am this
horrible mouse - so scRED OF hurting people. WTF!I hate human beinfs. They suck as a race. I
want more avatar beings. Then I can actually sing - i'm blue daba dee daba dai LOL RoTFL.
Who the F*** listens to such crappy music apart from the smurfs. They have a readymade OST. Its a f***ing frog with a dick! What the hell happened to good cartoons like Mickey mousde
and those other people... Umm I am thinking okay. Wait...mmm... all those good things..
Johnny quest!I've lived in questworld for 2 years of my life.
It's impossible.. pyaar impossible hjain yaar... that song is running in my head. Watched it
with my bf (ex?).He's soooo cute. Why can't I look chopra - not vinod chopra deifintely lol
or Amar chopra. He looked cute and geeky in the movie, but I dont wanna look like him.

So now. i think ill pass out... very tired// sleepy.Is it too bad to ask for a perfect life. Why the F*** can't my life's pieces fall in place.

I remember I had a huge 560 piece puzzle of the russian cathedral - the colorful one. Never
finished it. Always lost patience. Felt like a bloody retard in an asylum - oooh exciting
make this picture like that picture. Why can't I make my own picture? Because they don't let
you. You be yourself and they freak out. Know why? Cause it's raw human emotion. Like pure
vodka. It bruns your liver.

Mmm sleep is comeing. GGTG. Bye.Does somebody know which one is the internet thingy icon? I think I need to restart my reliance. It's like starting a generator LOL.

2010-01-05T01:40:00.000-08:00

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. I went to staples to pick up some notebooks for my team. No that's not the weird part.
I walk up to the salesman and I asked him for a business executive style notepad (go ahead, take a few moments to understand that term). This guy actually takes me to the teens section and shows me those notebooks with a lock and with lil hearts on them! What the hell should I write - today the laptop blinked twice while I was editing the newsletter article, I am sure it was flirting with me? Sheesh.
How old does he think I am!

2009-12-26T07:22:00.000-08:00

I've said a lot of goodbyes. Lately that's all I have been saying. I feel like a goldfish that is constantly bidding people goodbye.
And today was the hardest goodbye. He was my man-child.

And then you come to accept a few things in life:
1. I can't be rescued. Why? Well cos there is no one to. Everyone has their support. I can't use mine. My lifelines are over!
2. I was never made for love. Tried it many times.
"I want love on my own terms
After everything I've ever learned
Me, I carry too much baggage
Oh man I've seen so much traffic"
3. I have grown up. I hit 70 at the age of 20. Learned too much too quickly. The problem is when you hit 70 at 20 you still have to go through 50 more years of 70.

And so there you go. Another mountain to climb. I must admit, I truly loved this one. Sad to let him go...

2009-12-18T00:28:00.000-08:00

She could feel his presence. He was standing behind her. She didn't turn, she didn't have to. The mountain air was cold. The woolen cap barely covered her ears.
You've come for me? She asked.
Yes, he said. It was either me or your grandmother. And I missed you so much... I came.
Do I have hope? She asked.
I can't look into the future, he said. But I know I was meant to be here to accompany you...Now... here.
She had made peace with the situation. She felt a slight pain in her stomach. She was on high doses of pain killers.
She turned around. His face was just as she remembered. It was the same as it was 5 years ago. I am ready, she said. She gave him a watery smile and gave the dull sun she was looking at a final look.
He held out his hand and she took it. For a minute she felt panic. Then with his support she started walking forward.
The paramedics found her body at the edge of the mountain, frozen and well preserved because of the cold.

2009-12-05T23:33:00.001-08:00

Some day... just someday (maybe not in this lifetime), I might actually be able to afford a HBS MBA degree.
Considering how I've done this exam, its a long shot.
Hmm wonder whether my next birth will be as a human again...

2009-12-05T21:10:00.001-08:00

I love it. I love the sum total of the experience:

- I love the chocolate biscuits that he serves as soon as I am home. They're sodden cos he's kept it in the fridge (he believes that's the best way to store biscuits!) and buys them cos they are my favorite.
- I love lounging in his Tshirt which is too big for me
- I love watching him sleep (I know what he's thinking ;) )
- I love watching him work
- I love hitting him when he uses his index figure to remove his nails (OCD)
- I love how excited he gets when he's explaining something
- I love how I need to plan when we need to go out - he hates fancy restaurants and is very uncomfortable in one
- I love how he sulks when he gets angry
- I love catching him when he's being selfish. Lol, he's caught between wanting something and showing that what he wanted is of no importance to him
- I love the empty promises he makes :) He's desperate to prove he can keep his promises when I know he can't... and then he slowly cuts the promises to size.
- I love holding him to his words. Kachua chua! lol...
- I love his lack of sense of humor, cos then I am the funny one in the relationship!
- I love the way he smells. I love smelling his shoulder when we are on his bike...
- I love playing with his poonal (janeyu) (It's not what you are thinking! It's the brahmin thread...)
- I love how my anger disappears when I see him... I wanna scream at him but when I am with him from a hooli I become illi (damn!)

Sigh! What am I doing?? I am falling deep into the mire..

2009-12-04T20:04:00.000-08:00

In with the early dawn/Moving right along/I couldn’t buy an eye full of sleep/And in the aching night/Under sattelittes/I was not recieved/built with the stolen parts/A telephone in my heart/Someone get me a priest/To put my mind to bed/This ringing in my head/Is this a cure or is this a disease

Nail in my hand/From my creator/You gave me life now/Show me how to live
- Audioslave, Show me how to live

It was amazing. It was splendid. Like watching fireworks of many colors...

And that's how it went up in flames. Oh yeah, the fallout is painful, but I saw it coming... I didn't let myself down at all! It was like this amazing journey to doom. I started out knowing how it would end (Nope, not a martyr), tried to fight that bitter taste in my mouth, and then went up in flames. Amazing.

Yaay, more pain to bear. I think I am gonna so get used to this pain, if I don't have it life will seem surreal. Yeah yeah I know what I am gonna hear - be thankful that you are healthy and your body is intact, have a roof over your head, etc. That's nice. That's pani puri at the roadside stand. Some people can afford pani puri, some mcdonalds burgers. I wanted the McDonalds burgers. But I had a lot of things at stake if I had to be able to afford the Mc Donalds burger. And then it's all about the rat race. It's about who's got the duracell battery and who's got the ordinary alkaline battery.

I feel this amazing sense of peace and calmness. An awesome fruit of acceptance. A rotten one in parts because life will remind you of the loss - she is a sadistic wench.

What am I talking about? Another failed relationship? Another job crisis? Figure it out...

2009-11-30T18:43:00.000-08:00

I have opened the browser window to type something. I don't know what. And that is the state my mind is in, almost everyday. It has a swirling overload of information and thoughts. I think, therefore I am.
I am trying to control almost every moment of my life. Scared I might lose something: some opportunity, some sign, if I didn't. I hate surprises, they never meet my expectations. I hate shocking news; it's a result of a few things that were beyond my control.
Which is why love getting drunk - I lose my inhibitions and I am the most fun. I am less of the corporate, paranoid, afraid, independent woman tied to family, society and other million that ties that gag; and more uninhibited, fun, open to risks, funny, sarcastic, less afraid.
So what is swirling in my mind now - my exams, my exam preparation, my boyfriend, his vacation, my parents, my mom's torture because I must be the last almost 26 year old who is still single, my relationship with my boyfriend, my work, my office, my life, my successes, my failures, my fears... oh my god! I can't breathe...

2009-11-20T23:46:00.000-08:00

I confuse you?? Of course I do.
I am not a Crystal Dashboard. Or maybe I am.
Does that statement make me geeky? Am I geeky?
Guess I am.

You can't even understand me. What are you doing with me?
Don't say it. Don't say the L word. It's untrue. I don't believe you.

How many of them? Many. Never figured which one I truly loved though. One man still stays in my heart. And he's not mine.
Do I expect you to love me?
No. I can't define love. So how will you or I know whether you are in that silo?

*laughs* No no don't try to explai n. I don't think I want to listen.
Why? Well... Either I don't care or... I can't listen now.

Why? Because I don't want to.

Why? Because this conversation is going into an infinite loop.
Should we stop? Yes, we should.

I will get around to explaining myself when I am up to it.

2009-11-15T19:49:00.000-08:00

My bf's love comrpises of conditional statements, if and then statements. If you lose weight then I will be with you, if you can cook then I will marry you, if you graduate from a good b-school then I will marry you.

My love is full of then statements - then i will love you, then I will try and make your life easier, then I will cherish that you love kissing my shoulder...

What scares me the most about marrying my bf is that, not once has he remotely even mentioned that if we were to get married he might look after me if he had to. I have watched women gasp and drown under the leaden weight of marriage. Marriage wasn't the leaden weight, it was their MCP husband. If i had to make a charm bracelet with each one of these stories you'd have the ugliest charm bracelet ever - each one dark, sordid, and sad.

Constantly women are being accused of being gold diggers, nobody notices how quickly men change into their fathers: abolute MCPs.

I don't blame my bf. he's constantly trying to get the baseline in place: how will I manage with his family, will I be able to cook anything,will I be able to stay in a new place, will I be able to live within our means,etc. But in trying to get his baseline right, not once has the thought - "can I ever support her emotionally?" or "I will try really hard to be supportive and help her" - crossed his mind!

So what can you do when you love someone so much, that you can't leave the person?
You can either lose him or yourself; depends on what is more important to you.

*Chuckle* reminds me of the song - I never loved a man, the way I love you, by Aretha Franklin.

2009-11-02T19:19:00.000-08:00

sun rahi hoon sudh budh khoke koi main kahani
poori kahani hai kya kise hai pata
main to kisiki hoke yeh bhi na jaani
ruth hai ye do pal ki ya rehgi sada
kise hai pata… kise hai pata

losing my consciousness I am listening to some story
who knows what the whole story is
I didn't know I belonged to someone
Will this season last for a moment or will it stay forever
who knows?
- Iktara

Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is her last moments of consciousness; her gnarled, aged fingers that were so fragile. I think she expected me to be there and I delivered.

My Grandma and I got close after my granddad passed away, 5 months ago. She had lost her ability to walk 10 years ago, due to Parkinsons. Lately, due to diabetes, a wound in her leg had stopped healing. The infection took her away. We sat together, and watched my grand dad's body pass the gates of the house to the crematorium. I held her close and stood by her, as she had to face people who were so blatantly faking their concern. She was unsure of her fate - my granddad was her crutch in every way.

She was a small woman but so brave. Always satisfied with what she had, she made the best of what life gave her. She raised three kids with a Postal Employee's income - my granddad earned enough, never too much. Moving from a small village in Kerala to several villages and towns in Karnataka, my progressive grandma learnt Kannada quickly. She took to the Kannadiga culture quickly, sometimes making Poori & Sagu and Akki Roti at home. She was efficient and organized. Her routine (till she couldn't walk) started at 5 a.m. She would take a bath, make coffee for my granddad, uncle and aunt, prepare breakfast for the family, and start packing lunch for my cousins and uncle. Amidst all this, she also did her morning puja.

And now, this woman was 1/4th her normal size and had her eyes fixed to the ceiling. I hadn't seen her in a month. I held her hand and told her I was with her. For an unresponsive person, she shed a tear - I admit, it gave me hope that she'd survive. She tried hard to focus her eyes and look at me. I persuaded her to open her mouth and poured a few drops of Ganga Jal/ water with a few tulsi leaves. She could hear me! I held her hand, hoping I wouldn't lose her. I repeated what I had told her when my granddad had passed away and all the relatives were trying to force their opinion on her - do whatever you wanna do, I will stand by you (a very daring promise, I admit!).

And she just did that. She tightened her grip around my hand, closed her eyes and stopped breathing. It was surreal to me. One moment she was alive, and the next she wasn't. Some relatives came and took her hand from mine and straightened it, lest it stiffen in that fashion.

They say you need to be lucky to see a person before they die. They also say you need to be lucky if the person wants you involved in their last rites. Amongst all the people with dubai gold and large rings, when it came to doing my grandma's last rites my favorite gold ring came to the rescue. We had to use the gold ring, tulsi leaves, water, rice & sesame seeds, pray and place it on her body.

I don't know what I could have done and what I couldn't have done. I did what I could to help her, however limited my support is. I think she knows that.

I love you ammuma. I miss you a lot. Just knowing that when I walk up to your house you won't be looking out of the window, from your magazine, and smiling at me kills me inside. Knowing that I can't lay beside you and talk about everything and anything and gossip, cuts me more.

You are in a better place. With your soulmate...

2009-10-30T21:27:00.000-07:00

It is that time of the year, when I am unavailable, communication wise. Being called a burden is truly nice for a group therapy tea-time story, but I do think I need an make over. See, for a while my key descriptors have been irritating and desperate. Irritating, maybe, desperate, I think not. But it doesn't hurt to detox. So my phone is in my cupboard, my laptop will go into my bag, and well since I haven't written a "snail mail" since 1995, I think we can rule out using Post cards to get me through. Hush I can hear phantom phone calls...
---
I actually liked Wake Up Sid. I know some one just like Sid. Hmm Maybe not that spoilt. I didn't like the happy ending though. Hope is the Dope of the masses, as Che Guevara/Mao tse tung/Chekhov or one of those communists/Marxists said. I didn't like that a 27 year old woman ended up with her boy toy. I know that's a new trend but middle class is certainly not ready for it. My friend is 8 months younger than me and he could never, for the life of him, get it out of his head that I might actually look younger than I really am, and don't look like his mom.

2009-10-29T21:12:00.001-07:00

I have the weirdest dreams when I am stressed out.
I know I've been pushing myself lately - managing my career and studies. Last night I slept at 1 am and woke up at 4.45 am to study. I kept pushing myself and then finally I burnt out. My stomach gave up on me and so did my back.
Anyway, so I had these weird dreams - one was that I had worn my trousers wrong and the fly was in the back! Another was seeing my granddad in my dream.
Crazy.

2009-10-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

I have just realized that people are very curious when they see a closed door. It's a very Alice in the Wonderland thing.

There is a small room on my floor in the office and I tend to inhabit it. And considering I am a loner, and considering it keeps away the pesky laptop screen moths away, its the place I go to hide. Yet people have to walk in and know what it is I am doing alone in this room. It's like they almost expect to walk in and find me building an atom bomb or creating blue prints for taking over the world, all inclusive of the 'Pinky and the Brain' Brain laughter.

And shit hit the roof when my secret bf and I were sitting in this room and were talking. Of course that is unprofessional conduct, but really, we weren't doing anything!

So now, I sit with the door open, so that every Thom, Dhick and Hari and can glance into the room while walking past it.

----

There is a shop on my street which displays amazing salwars. Why is this unusual you ask? Because most shops in the street are run by Marwari men with a man's sense of woman's dress/clothing. Except for this shop. It is run by a Marwari man, that is besides the point, but he displays salwars I wouldn't mind buying from a small shop. Either this man watches a lot of K serials or some chronically fake PG3 fashion channel or somebody needs to let him know his son is gay. Well, maybe somebody needs to let *him* know he's gay.

2009-10-25T02:24:00.000-07:00

I am a sucker for romance.

You know the running in the field of mustard flowers to find a cow with a large bell (wow that sounds more romantic as I type!) kinda stuff. I love getting flowers (Orchids, Tulips, Oriental Lilies...), I love being suprised, I love when you know what I am thinking, I love when you buy a gift after you actually remember something I said a long time ago...

And that's the problem. You've lived your life on the sidelines watching other romance stories happen in life, watching your classmates getting Orchids and Chocolates during the class Christmas party; hoping you'd get a kind word and a compliment from the guy you have a crush on - the smallest thing you can hope for.

And then you grow up. Even if you get a kind word from your brother, your day is made. And then someone comes along and you can't believe that he likes you. Can't believe that he has eyes only for you and you wonder: where is this going? Is this for real? And then you know - It's not. He wants you to be slimmer and more eligible!

And the light comes through the dark clouds. Of course you are too weary to notice the beauty and the irony of the situation...

2009-10-24T08:39:00.001-07:00

Jo barse sapne boond boond

Nainon ko moond moond

Kaise main chaloon,

dekh na sakoon

Anjaane raastein

- Wake up Sid, Iktara

Is anyone capable of loving another person unconditionally, yet maintaining their identity? Are we creatures of unconditional love? I don't think so. We are inherently selfish creatures.
(oh shucks, my fave song, Kahin To... Not good. Music affects my writing.)

Let's say you are exceptional - you do love conditionally. Where do you end up? Turning into the biggest non-believer in love.
(mein koh gaye hoon jane kiski bahon mein...)

And why is that? Because the world was never made unconditional lovers. Nor were we made for it. Thus the world influences you so much that you lose a precious part of you.
(eee tanavu ninne aane, eee manavu ninnadhe... eee hrudhayavu ninnadhe... nooraga janmavu premi neene... neene illadhe yane ee badaku, neene beku..)
(this body and mind is yours, for a hundred rebirths you are my love, without you what is this life for?)

I have given a lot in most of my relationships, and all that happened was I got more cynical about love. I think it's very overrated.
(kai hididhu, hege bisidhu, oh my friend, namma snehividhu irali sashvata)
(Holding hands, walking together, oh my friends, let our love be pure)

So where am I now? I give. I give asking nothing in return, I give patiently.
Case in point? My bf and I don't intend on ending up together. I am gonna marry the guy my parents choose. Our goal is to keep each other happy till we transition to other partners.
(chale khatara khatara, raat bina hina, aadhi aadhi, chupke se... lag ja gale, raat ki chadhar thale...)

So was our love untrue? Nope. When we are together, our body language tells people a completely different story. The chemisty between us is almost visible. It's like a lost ghost finding its way.
(preethiye ninna, preethisuve ninna...)
(My love, i do love you)

But we are also very practical. We cannot be with each other because he is not ready yet. I understand that, and I can't wait either - I have a family to think of.
So I give. Because this is the only time I can.
(Jothe jotheyalli preethi jotheyalli, heege sagali namma ee payana...)
(together with each other, love together each other, let our (life's) journey end like this...)

P.s: All translation are rough translation done by a person who learnt Kannada for three years as third language!

2009-10-23T08:39:00.000-07:00

Sigh... stolen kisses are the sweetest.

It was so simple - Just a peck on the cheek. But it kept me going through the day. I felt like a schoolgirl who was just kissed by her crush...

2009-10-20T03:36:00.000-07:00

He's a good man. He's a man child. My role in his life goes from maternal to a partner in life.
He hands out empty promises. I wanna collect them from him, but I am cautious. I am happy now, at this moment...
Should I think of the future? Wonder whether he's there in it? Wonder whether he can be there? Wonder whether he should be allowed in there?
For now Hamlet lives in this moment.

2009-10-18T09:59:00.000-07:00

No man can conceal his sins. The gods behold what one does, also the Being that is within every one. He that with piety and without detraction hideth the faults of the honest and the wise like holes in his own attire, surely seeketh his salvation.If a man seeketh redemption after having committed a sin, without doubt he is purged of all his sins and looketh pure and resplendent like the moon emerged from the clouds. A man that seeketh redemption is washed of all his sins, even as the sun, upon rising, dispelleth all darkness.

- Markandeya, Mahabharat

Is it that easy? Do you find redemption just by admitting to your guilt? Do you find redemption because you have cleared your mind or because you have gained absolution by virtue of the acceptance of your regret?

You ask - can the devil quote the scripture for his purpose?

I ask - am I the devil because I do not conform? Can I be arrogant enough or narcissistic enough to assume that I can compare myself to even the devil, when I am nothing but a human being trying to be different?

I do not seek to abase any beliefs, any religious systems, any philosophy...

I seek to ask questions that might be too... provocative.

I ask - is redemption that easy? Can I just apologize publicly for all the games I've played, all the people I hurt, all my crimes on passion on the psyche of another human being? Is that really justice?

Yes, I will have to face the Karmic consequences of all my acts. Then why should I seek redemption? If redemption were to free you from the karmic consequences of your acts where is justice?

Yet I have come around to want to tender a public apology that the people it is meant to assuage will not read it. I have not murdered anyone. I have not stolen from anyone. But I have hurt many people. I did what I did. But I know I am sorry.

2009-10-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

So everything's black and white. How do you add color?
Surprisingly, I don't know. Normally I am the first shoot my mouth off and provide solutions (though in a more mature manner than my "all-knowing" boyfriend) but this time, I am stumped. Yes, I am mortal. I always assumed I arrived here in a spaceship.
Lately, I have realized that I am least motivated to do anything. Okay so I am whining, sue me. I have never been the same since I saw reality at 21. I try to delude myself to believe in life, in love and everything good under the rainbow including the leprechaun guarding the pot of gold at the end of it, but I am just too smart for myself!
P.s: Seb, please reply.

2009-10-16T23:51:00.000-07:00

I've read em all, all the self-help books. I've serached for that Holy Grail everyone's looking for - the user guide to life. And somehow I stop short of saving myself.
I was reading this interesting article on How to handle a break up and how to get over your ex. Believe me I have tried it all. At the end of the day, you just lose a piece of yourself and end up becoming weaker day by day. Relationships are like kryptonite. And like everything else in life you need to be lucky to find a person who can tolerate you and love you for what you are.
And it scares me. Scares the hell out of me when people come up and ask me - are you seeing someone? Oh that relationship didn't work out? Can't you find someone?
Amoebas are the most underrated creatures. And that's exactly how I feel when I am asked questions about my relationships - like an amoeba under a microscope.
Everyone deserves a hero. But you could end up being one of the people inside the bus, whose life superman is ready to sacrifice for the life of his love.

2009-10-12T10:59:00.000-07:00

I learn, I learn, I learn
and then I am burnt.
So slow is the fire, I feel no heat
In the silence I only hear my heart beat

I yearn, I yearn, I yearn
Dark is the room
With only me and you
Candle and light, one and same
But I feel no warmth

I turn, I turn, I turn
Many you I spurn.
Wrath be my guiding light
Do I have you to hold on tight?

2009-10-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

Fear constricted her throat. She woke up in a sweat and her heart beating. She was so tired, she could barely open her eyes. Yet, it was morning. This was the usual pattern lately: waking up suddenly in a cold sweat.

Fear was the only thing that made her ever react. Not anger. Not danger. Not even death: That joker who seduces you into laughing only to realize that after the laughter there is only tears. The final orgasm before the final release. Oh how she craved it.

Today was one of those days you just didn't want to wake up. She was in her swirling world of self-pity. She could sense it. Today was one of those days when she would drown in the abyss of inner darkness... collapsing like a tired star into herself, sucking all hate unto herself till she felt nothing.

She looked into the mirror. She loved being the hero. She helped her boss when her boss seemed tired. A woman being a crutch for another woman. She loved getting him stuff just to see the happiness in his face, expecting only to be marginalized. She loved getting her mom all she wanted, trying to replace everything broken by her father. She loved making her brother feel special, because she knew that that was her role in his life.

What did she do for herself? Hate herself till she couldn't look into the mirror, till she despaired.

And then she wore her smile. It dazzled like a momentary flash of a Lighthouse, covering the hazardous coastline. She was on autopilot.

2009-10-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

Its the dead of the night and I am restless. The song that's going on in my head? Avril Lavigne's I am with you. But the song doesn't complete. It spools in my head at "Cause nothing's going right/And everything's a mess/And no one likes to be alone...'

Drama queen as usual *chuckle*

Two snakes are fighting in front of me and I know I need the help of one snake to get across the river, but I can't choose one for the life of me. One of them is bound to die. Then I'd realize I chose the wrong one.

Then I see him. Why is he running away from me? I run after him. I am aware that the snakes are still fighting. Now he's hiding under the leaves. I part the leaves and he's laughing at me. I am distressed. Why isn't he serious?

I hear trees falling. Except I am awake now. The trees are being cut in the empty plot next to my house.

Everything changes.

2009-10-06T02:37:00.000-07:00

I saw him. I don't know who he is... yet. He just made me feel... so good.
Don't know when I'll bump into him next... or whether I will ever meet him again... but he just felt... right.
Who are you?

2009-10-04T20:56:00.000-07:00

My Bf can be a big S.O.B sometimes... more like most of the time!
But if there is one thing that is damn adorable, it's when he gets angry because I am sounding him off. Yesterday we had a huge fight and he was quiet through the whole thing. It was like he was one of those little kids - you know when you are scolding them they have this scowl on their face and their holding back their tears to show that they are strong...
It was very adorable. Of course it pisses me off that he doesn't express himself when he's angry, but this is very adorable too... I can't help but smile about it...

2009-10-02T02:13:00.000-07:00

Feels like I have just gotten back from the Outer Layer of Medical Hell. 2 days and nights of excruciating stomach ache, headache, high fever, body ache, nausea, diarrhoea and all I wanted was to be sedated.
It started out as any normal flu with fever and stomach ache. But as the day progressed the stomach ache was so bad I passed out in the bathroom (hitting my head on the washbasin and thus causing the headache). I decided, maybe, just maybe its time to visit the doc.
And it's times like these that you realize how important your mom is. I mean my mom isnt one of the best mom's out there - she'd rather watch star singer than check my temperature, but then at least there is someone around... and that makes a lot of difference.
And as I was thinking about my parents I realized I can't get married! Nobody can take care of you like your parents can. Which means I'd rather stay with my parents than get married! Especially considering my bf didn't even bother to call during the two days I was in pain, it doesn't matter anymore! There was only one person who would've looked after me... and i treated him badly. I am sure there is a better woman for him out there...
I still don't have the strength to sit up and I am surviving on antibiotics and pain killers, but I sure as hell don't wanna be where I was yesterday.

2009-09-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

I am unapologetic.
About everything. About being me, about being fat, about being morbid, about being slightly twisted.
That doesn't mean I don't look for a Tia 2.0. But I am just not apologetic.
And that took me.. around 36 hours to say that.
Call me arrogant. call me stubborn. But there is no way in hell I am gonna let one person have such a big effect on me (till of course I meet the one!) that I start hating myself.
Till the next time I am brought to my knees, let me see whether I can inspire a sustained growth.
(And to answer the question in my previous post: I would try hard to see that my kids don't end up overweight like me, but now we'll never know will we?)

2009-09-25T11:34:00.000-07:00

One moment is the difference
Between you not being here
And you being somewhere

One moment is the difference
Between feeling proud
and disenchantment spoken aloud

One moment is the difference
Between being me and you
and its always been just me; thats the truth

One moment is the difference between
The expected lie
and the truth I just can't buy

2009-09-25T02:02:00.000-07:00

She kept riding her little scooterette. She had no idea where she was going or where she should go.
Tears streamed down her eyes as she muttered 'Make it stop. Please make it stop'. Her throat was parched and she was dehydrated from all the crying. But she didn't feel anything. She kept going, neither feeling the dust nor the heat. The only thing she seemed to do is let tears stream down her cheeks, which were almost immediately stemmed when she realized she was in public. She glanced at her fuel gauge once in a while.
When she started out, she knew her player would run out of battery any minute. She was prepared to ride out in silence. All the lines came back to haunt her "What was he thinking when you were lying in his arms? Didn't he realize then that you weren't perfect?", "what if our kids turned out to be unhealthy?", "You loved him didn't you? And you dumped me for him!", "He called you fat! What are you still doing with him?"...
She muttered "Make it stop. Please make it stop. I can't take the pain anymore, make it stop..." as fresh tears poured down her cheeks.
It was late noon when she finally decided to go home. She was numb by then.
Her ipod ran out of battery as she parked her bike.

2009-09-23T21:00:00.000-07:00

I have no idea why I love this book. Maybe its so subtly dark that it just calls out to me. Or it just maybe proves the point that underdogs don't always win; they die a horrible death.

Hardy's writing in this book (as compared to Mayor of Casterbridge) is almost poetic. I think he was at his best when he wrote the most pessimistic yet real stories.

The book I am talking about is Tess of the d'urbervilles. It sounds like a very Bollywood movie script, but oh Hardys written words! They seem to mock life itself for being unjust.
The story revolves around the main character Tess, who is from a poor family called Durbeyfield. When her parents learn that Tess's father John is a part of an old family of Knights, they decide to send Tess to a distant D'urberville's house assuming that they are one branch of a large family tree. Little do they know that this branch of d'urbervilles stole the name from an old book. The d'urberville dowager has a son Alec - the very picture of a moral villain. Tess is offered a job as a maid and is emotionally blackmailed by her mother to take the job in the hopes that Alec would marry Tess. Alec offers to keep Tess as his mistress but she refuses. One night when she drinks with the other maids, she is seduced by Alec and becomes pregnant.
Tess goes home to a disappointed and tired mother and has her baby. The baby dies a bastard's death. She then sets out to work in a dairy farm and meets and falls in love Angel Clare. The son of a wealthy parson, he falls for Tess's beauty, purity and innocence. He asks Tess to marry him despite the class difference. Tess tries hard to let him know about her past, but somehow she never gets a chance to tell him.
They get married and on the wedding night Angel confesses that he had spent three nights with a prostitute in London. Tess is relieved and confesses her to her past. Angel is shattered. He cannot accept that Tess is not a virgin. Shattered they go to sleep. The next morning Angel leaves to Brazil to start a new business venture and Tess sets out in search of more work. She sends home some money pretending that Angel is looking after her. Tess doesn't hear from Angel and fears for his life.
She goes to the city to meet his parents but bumps into Alec who has been reformed. Tess gets a message that her dad is ill and returns home. Her dad dies and the family is thrown out of the house. With no money and nowhere to go Tess accepts Alec's offer to be his mistress.
Meanwhile Angel bumps into a man in Brazil who helps Angel see the big picture. Angel returns to search for Tess and is directed to Alec's apartment. Tess refuses to go back with Angel, as she is with Alec now.
As Angel is about to leave in a train Tess is at the train station. She confesses that she murdered Alec in her anger. Alec taunted her about Angel's righteous love that couldn't accept her the way she was. They run away from the police, stopping at intervals and staying in empty manors. Finally Angel and Tess reach Stonehenge. The police have caught up with her.
She is taken to trial and hung to death.

The novel ends with the words:
"Justice" was done, and the President of the Immortals, in Aeschylean phrase, had ended his sport with Tess

Brilliant.

2009-09-23T05:48:00.000-07:00

I had a perfect moment yesterday.

My friend and I had just finished dinner and we were standing in front of my apartments and talking. And as we decided to call it night, he asked me to listen to the song that was playing on the radio - Khuda Jaane. We were standing under the amazing night, a pair of earplugs between us and we were looking at each other, listening to the song. It was perfect. So perfect I couldn't breathe. So perfect I didn't want it to end. So perfect I wanted to cry, but I was scared he'd think that's my only talent! (Yeah I know, I am a crazy romantic). That moment was just him, me and the song (also maybe our neighbours who were watching us!).

Needless to say, this friend is my ex.

2009-09-21T09:18:00.001-07:00

Dear Aunty Meme,
I have a phobia of Mirrors... is there a word for it? I am scared of what I see in the mirror.. the real me - the ugly me. I haven't looked into a mirror in ten years. I am scared of what I will see. I am scared I will disappoint myself. Help!
- Mirrorphobic

Dear Mirrorphobic,
There is a term for it - Eisoptrophobia. But you have really spun a new meaning to the term! You aren't scared of mirrors, you are scared of yourself. You sound like a perfectionist; you are scared you'll let yourself down. You seem to have a lot of insecurity about yourself and self-esteem issues. You need to deal with these issues. These could have stemmed from your childhood/teen expeiences with your family and/or your peers. You need to sort them out and learn to love and accept the way you are. I would suggest that you take help from counsellor (at college or workplace. Or write to me, I'll give you some contacts). If that's hard for you talk to someone you trust, and someone who accepts you the way you are.
You are ugly only if you believe you are.

- Aunty Meme

2009-09-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Aunty Meme,
I love making out with men. It makes me feel wanted. It makes me feel complete. I have jumped from one man to another but I always end the relationship in a bad way and end up depressed. Sometimes I think I like being in a relationship only for the intimacy. Sometimes I think it's the security that I am looking for. Is there something wrong with me?
- Confused

Dear Confused,
There are two answers for that question - Yes and Yes. You apparently don't need men in life you just want a feeling of security that you THINK comes from commitment and from intimacy.
Also, You need another hobby.
If you are in a relationship or end up in another relationship, take it slow. I know you would have pressure in life to be with someone, to be committed but you need to be strong and fight it. If you are scared that you'll end up alone... well you aren't alone in that one! It doesn't sound like you are the kind who will end up alone, considering the number of guys you have dated. Just take it slow.
While you are at it, take up a new hobby - read more books, listen to music, contact old friends, go back to your old school/college, learn a language... take your pick.
- Aunty Meme

2009-09-21T08:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Aunty Meme,
I had a crush on a guy in my office. But I always treated him like a close friend... but I guess I gave him too much attention. Now he is acting weird with me, even rude. What do I do?
- Crushed

Dear Crushed,
Hmmm... There is a reason why he is acting weird! Do you really like this man that much? He seems to be more immature than you. If he were a responsible guy he would have talked it out with you. I would ask you to stay away from him. If he really liked you he would have reciprocated. Besides office romances turn weird once they sour. Let go.
Have only a professional relationship, leave your personal lives out of all discussions.
- Aunty Meme

2009-09-21T08:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Aunty Meme,
I was in love with a boy 4 years ago. He was perfect, he was my soulmate. But we broke it off because he had to move and we didn't believe in LDRs (Long Distance Relationship). Recently I bumped into him and realized that he was married and that I am still not over him. I have had many relationships after him, but this one always felt like he was the one. I am, at present, in a relationship, but I often think of the love of my life... what do I do?
- Destitute

Dear Destitute,
I could just say 'Get over it, it's been 4 years', but I know it's harder than that. Especially if he felt right. It's easy to believe in stuff like 'the one' and 'meant to be together' but if that were true the idea of Starcrossed lovers wouldn't be selling like hot-cakes. You need to let go, considering you are now in a relationship with another man AND he's married man. We women tend to compare our men to the idea of the man in our heads - don't do that either. Give the new man a chance while letting go of your ex. Remember: There is a reason why it didn't work out.
Take your time. Cry it out, drink it out, OD on romantic movies... do whatever it takes, but you need to heal. Help yourself to it.
- Aunty Meme

2009-09-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

Apparently the worst crime against society (and consequently to yourself) that you can commit is...
... being honest!

Nobody, absolutely nobody is ready to take a chance on you unless you are a part of a certain template of a human being. If you have been a colored a little outside the line and then you are a deviant.

How you ask? Let me explain:
Instance 1: Let's say you are overweight by ten kilos. No man will give you a second look. The only way he's gonna be remotely interested in you is if your dad owns a bank or you have been part of some crappy talent show called "Iyyddeeaa Sta Singah". Oh of course, if you have your own swayamvar to show off your newly botoxed face then you don't count.

Instance 2: when you publicly proclaim you are an atheist. Mallu men are spinless and listen only to what mommy says. If the girl is "not god-fearing" then mommy just says no. And junior of course wouldn't dare leave the comfort of hiding in his mommy's skirts. See mommy needs someone to go to Guruvayoor for all those pujas, a irreverant daughter-in-law is a strict no-no.

So what is the smartest thing to do? Accept you are a deviant and hope Jesus comes back to save you from all the shallowness. Or hide your deviance. Use your special bedroom whips to whip mon-in-law post marriage when she isn't doing your bidding.

2009-09-11T20:42:00.000-07:00

Drama queen: The only mistake I made was loving you; Entrusting you with the role of being the object of my affection
Hero hirelal: That's your problem
Drama Queen (attempting hindi for the first time in a long time, and being ambushed by her mal genes): neghi...... Kudhe Gamine.....

2009-09-06T00:52:00.000-07:00

What wins in a relationship - Ego or blind love?

What do you do when the guy you love can accept you only with changes - lesser weight? Maybe better skin?
You never give yourself a chance and think the worst about yourself, and suddenly the one person you think won't think they way you do about yourself does think the same! It's a very surreal experience. On a scale of 10 in sado-masochism to the soul it hits a twelve.

So many people have told me he's not worth it. Well guess what, I think he's just not that into me.

2009-09-04T23:00:00.000-07:00

I think women bitch about other women for sadistic pleasures.
For example when we see someone put on weight we rub our hands in glee and whisper to each other - oh my god, she's put on weight!

I came across this awesome article on Glamour (and a brave model I must say) about feeling comfortable in you own skin. I have always been a size 14 - 16, a plus size person. I have NEVER felt comfortable about the way I look: always wanted a better looking body, better skin, better height...

I hate advertising or succumbing to a fad, but this article deserves a look:

http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2009/08/what-everyone-but-you-sees-about-your-body?currentPage=1

2009-09-04T22:09:00.000-07:00

This has got to be the funniest incident of thick mallu accents causing miscommunication. Close encounters of the mallu kind!

I had an exam at 7 am this morning. i got to the centre all groggy and with myopic vision (was too lazy to wear lenses), and was parking my bike near the metro area on CMH road when I heard someone call out to me. Picture this if you will, you can't see a damn thing and you can distinctly see a man on the other side of the road screaming - 'closed agidhe, closed agidhe'. I figured he was talking about parking near the metro work area.

I can't understand the man and so I decide to cross the road. I get to the other side and this guy is still screaming - closed agidhe, closed agidhe. And I still can't understand why he is screaming that, rather with respect to what he is screaming - closed agidhe, closed agidhe.

I got closer and then I realized he was asking for Coffee Day! The problem was he was pronouncing it as Kohfidhe...

2009-09-03T21:22:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up with a strange feeling - I was feeling... unsettled.

I sit in my bed with a mug of milk (I don't like any of those chocolate/malt additives in my milk) and was wondering what was troubling me. I remembered one dream I had last night - I was holding our baby (my bf and me) and I realize the baby is blind! I check its sight by taking a coin and moving it in front of it eyes and realize that its blind. I am plunged into deep sorrow and panic. And then I look at my bf (who I am apprently married to! *amused*) and I realize hes losing sight too. And he's crying cos hes blind and he's unable to do anything about it...
I kept wondering what was the meaning of all this? If I ever married my bf would he go blind? Would my.. our (as he corrects everytime) baby be blind?

And then it fell into place: our relationship was like that. It's almost dead.

2009-09-01T02:00:00.000-07:00

I have never understood the Cinderella syndrome - a typical DID (Damsel in Distress) syndrome. Two years into a corporate culture and suddenly I do!
There are days when I just want to run away from everything. Somebody who would run away with me just to give me that break. And I realized it's just not me who thinks this way. For us women we look to be emancipated (most women atleast) - thus creating the Knight in Shining Armour. The truth of course is you can't run away from anything. You can of course inhale LSD and have a psychadelic feeling that you have, but you can't. Not from responsibities, daily chores, etc.
Hmm okay now I get back to the stupid mailer I am creating.

2009-08-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

Love is the worst thing that can happen to you.

What is love you ask? Love is the surrender of all - ego, strength, fears, apprehension, negative thoughts - to someone who is worth surrendering to; someone who will not hold you prisoner to what you have surrendered. Sounds idealistic isn't it? It is.

I have seen many people fall prey to this need to surrender. Love is love when the surrender is reciprocated and when the object of your affection is someone who loves you enough to nor use you. I have seen many women wither under the consequence of their sacrifice. I have seen angels turn into demons because they identified the wrong person to surrender.

Am I one of them?

2009-08-24T01:45:00.000-07:00

And the a** licker shall Inherit the earth!
You know how it is in college? You learn about managing employees and motivation, and learning and crap? Well today I saw all those theories being subverted!

Just reminds me of John Mayer's song which goes:
Welcome to the real world she said to me,
condescendingly,
Take your seat,
Take your life
Plan it out in black & white...

2009-08-22T02:38:00.000-07:00

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned... can anyone let my bf know that this is true??

I have actually adopted a very comforting approach to life (background score: Comfortably Numb) - I have decided to take my life, one day at a time (anyone who quotes from Steve Job's famous speech is gonna get their ass kicked by me). I just realized everything in my life has become stagnant - my studies, my career and my relationships.

Yesterday everything came to a tipping point, and it tipped over. Made some decisions; tough ones for a control-freak like me. See some things just don't change: My bf, my family, some of my friends. So if you are smart you will learn to live with it and maybe work around it.

So as a first step I have decided to let my bf go. Oh don't worry I am not breaking up with him. I am just very tired of trying get at least five minutes of his time. I hear the same damn argument: What do I do Tia, I just don't get time. Well guess what? You need to make time to find time.
My studies. Wow that's in such a bad shape. Its so messed up, I just don't know where to start. Well I am gonna make a start.
My career. Has almost flat lined. So has the learning curve at my present job. Dang recession. The only thing I can do is keep my eyes and ears open.

Lord, hire me as your content writer, I'll do a damn good job of writing a manual for the living...

2009-08-22T01:26:00.000-07:00

I am being held hostage by the society.
I am actually being blackmailed into getting married! It's not a gun thats being held to my head but a nice wholesome guilt trip and the threat of being marginalised.
And somewhere, foolishly, I thought my boyfriend would save me from the hostage situation... I just realized I am on my own!

2009-08-20T08:06:00.000-07:00

Men say one thing and have you believe another. I am not saying we women don't do the same but at least we aren't aggressive in making you believing in a lie.
I was watching Jane Austen and it was that part where Darcy and Elizabeth are fighting, and everytime I have read that part or watched it I have been in awe of Darcy for wanting a wife who is intelligent and smart.
But as I live life I realize more and more that such things do not really happen in reality. Men want women who will just listen and nod their heads, women who are in awe of their men, the ones that do the damsel in distress act very well. It is total crap that men want intelligent wives.

2009-08-20T02:21:00.000-07:00

If this is your decision, there's nothing I can do - MLTR, Complicated Heart

That's this amazing feeling I have - like I have no control over any of the things that are happening to me or things that are happening around me. It's amazing cos it's like you are watching everything happening in slow motion; like those moments just before you ram into a tree in a speeding vehicle.
I actually feel like a damn amoeba! One that's on a petri dish and being subjected to drops of chemicals to see how it reacts and what it is made up of. And I guess that's what life is all about - it tests you till you die on a petri dish. It's definitely not a dope test - if anything, life pees on you! It reminds me of this very cute cartoon I saw of a worm that is so mad at humanity that it wants to poison Humans with a bottle of vitriol. The female worm (is that possible??) tries to stop him, but he doesn't listen...

2009-08-18T04:00:00.000-07:00

Today I felt a moment of absolute pleasure. I know what you are thinking. You might actually be wrong!
Today is dad's 60th Birthday. Considering we lost our muthachan (Granddad, mother's father) three months ago and my dad lost his uncle we decided not to celebrate it as a Sashtipurthi. So we took our Dad to Josco's to pick up a gold chain. See we mals our big into gold; even men wear gold chains. So, true to our heritage daddy wanted a gold chain. We picked one (and it's not as easy as just *picking* one, these things cost a nuclear bomb. We picked up one worth 33k!) and we were getting it billed when I caught an unseen/unwatched (by me) episode of Tom & Jerry. It's the one where Tom is supposed to be babysitting tyke (the lil dog) and he paints the puppy in different colors because of Jerry!
And when I saw that portion, my face lit up in unadulterated, the most child like pleasure. Of course I didn't realize I was being watched, till my brother looked at me and asked me - "what happened??" and I explained why I had that weird look on my face. That's when he informs me (to my horror) that almost everybody was watching me. I looked around and realized with a sinking heart that he was right! Everbody was looking at me like they would look at a little kid who runs around in circles... oof!

2009-08-15T01:55:00.000-07:00

Standing in the line,
Waiting for your time,
Got your dancing shoes on,
Anything to take away the frown.

You should be dancing,
So close, not this far,
Whisper in my ear,
As the night seems to clear...

When I wrote this I had in my hand a wine glass full of sprite in my hand and a jazzy bluesy tune in my head, while I imagined my bf and me sitting in a cottage near a river/beach sitting on a sofa with a glass of wine and relaxing...